The Daily Epitaph

(Open with the cheers of a predominantly female studio audience.) Host: Thank you for joining us this afternoon on the Daily Epitaph. Today we're going to explore the question of why certain internet musicians can't make it. And with me are some rock groupies who belong to just such a musician. Girls, why can't this guy get ahead? Girl #1: I don't know. I don't care really. I'm indifferent to him. Host: How about you? Girl #2: He doesn't do anything for me either. Host: Well if that's the case, there are some other stars who might like to meet you after the show. Girls: Great! Host: When we return, we're going to talk to some roadies to find out why a roadie musician isn't making it. (Commercial. Open with cheering crowd.) Host: So tell me, why can't your co-worker get a break after you all ganged up on him and stole all his hits? Roadie: Because he's a goof. Host: Of course he's a goof! He's with you, you degenerate! Why don't you help him out? Roadie: Because we hate him. Host: How could you hate him just because he chose to drive a forklift and abandon his music after you were all ready to buy new motorcycles? You workers are the lowest. I can't believe he works with you. Coming up next on the Daily Epitaph: we're going to examine depictions of web musicians as dogs on leashes, being spanked, and covered in skin diseases and try to find out why they're not making it.
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© 2014. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.