How I Do It

Some people think I have psychic powers but my process for finding information that is concealed from me is not so far fetched. I arrive at my conclusions by a combination of intuition and extrapolation. I post them as questions first. Then I can tell if they're right by the reaction of the crowd. I have an advantage over others in being able to trace the source of the offenses against me because I know I am innocent. This allows me to eliminate myself as a suspect and speeds up my investigation. I also know who my enemies are and am able to easily interpret any words or gestures that come from them. Anyone who used to work for Nasco, for instance, like the person who lives across the hall from me, is someone I know I can not trust. Last week he turned up his TV extra loud and forced me to hear some fake screams and the opening arpeggios of a guitar player. As he did this, he triumphantly said: 'There you go, Dave!' Since everyone now knows that Dateline has been my mortal enemy for the last seven years and since the time of day matched the broadcast schedule of Dateline and since Nasco workers who hate me would probably support Dateline, I concluded that this silly sounding spectacle was a Dateline broadcast. If it was, beware their treachery. Why does a gossip show like Dateline need to put a guitar player on a stage and plant screaming girls in the audience? Why does Dateline now want to pass themselves off as the Ed Sullivan Show when everyone knows that their purpose is to tear down celebrities, not to launch their careers? I think this is more meddling with my music and my online following. I think it is a transparent attempt to either sap my web popularity or undermine it. Don't be fooled by studio audiences. They can create the illusion of popularity where no popularity exists. Saturday Night Live, for instance, probably receives regular hate mail and would be taking a great risk by letting just anyone into their studio for a broadcast. With twenty people in their cast, however, they can fill their seats with their friends merely by inviting ten friends each. Maybe Dateline borrowed a few of them for their broadcast. On another note, to you who clamored for me to get out on a stage, was Under My Umbrella still playing on the radio up to last week? What kind of chance would I have of success when someone who stole her hit song from me still holds a place above me in the business? Not a very good one. I wonder what they're still hiding from us.
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