Family Compact

Mighty: It's time for Family Compact, where new talent has their hopes crushed by our elite panel of industry insiders. Appearing on our panel today is fashion consultant, Vanity Fairchild, (applause) aromatherapist, Hyacinth Snuff, (applause) and restaurant reviewer, Colin A. Reese. I'm your host, Allan Mighty. And let's get started with our first contestant, Greg Ghoul, who hopes to become a concert pianist. The panelist who can think of the most superficial reason for rejecting him will win the round. Show us your stuff, Greg! (Ghoul sits at a grand piano and plays a difficult piece by Chopin blindfolded, at four times its normal tempo. When he is finished the audience roars their approval.) Mighty: Well, it sounds like our audience liked the performance. Colin, what do you have to say about it? Reese: I thought he played too fast. This is not McDonald's, this is the world of culture. Mighty: Colin thinks he plays too fast. What do you think, Hyacinth? Snuff: I think he needs underarm deodorant if he's going to play under hot lights. I can smell his perspiration all the way from here. Mighty: Hyacinth thinks he stinks. Vanity, it's your turn to judge our contestant. Fairchild: I think khaki pants clash with a purple shirt. Ghoul: I thought my pants were tan! It was too dark in the dressing room! Mighty: Too late now, I'm afraid you have been unanimously rejected. (Exit Ghoul dejected.) And we're going to let Vanity have this round for managing to reject a musician without including a word of acknowledgement of the fact that he can play music. (Enter new contestant.) Our next contestant wants to be a stand up comedian. His name is Doug Kubisheski and he's devised three jokes, one for each member of our panel. Take it away, Doug! Kubisheski: What do you call a hundred dollar meal that doesn't satisfy your appetite? A fashion plate! (Reese glowers as the audience laughs.) What's the difference between a flower and an aromatherapist? A flower is down-to-earth! (Snuff gasps as the audience laughs.) What were the last words Joan of Arc heard from her fashion consultant? You're hot! (The audience laughs and cheers as Fairchild scowls.) Mighty: Colin, how would you rate Doug? Reese: I think my favorite restaurant is smarter than he is. Mighty: Okay, strike one against Doug. Hyacinth? Snuff: I think he sniffs glue. Mighty: That's strike two. It's not looking good for you, Doug. Vanity, you have the last say. Fairchild: I've never seen such a bad joke in all my life. Mighty: That's it for you, Doug. But thanks for appearing on our show. (Exit Kubisheski confused.) We'll give this round to Colin for employing a putdown that was as witty as it was groundless. That brings us to our final contestant, who also wants to be a comedian. His name might be familiar to our panel because he is directly related to one of them. Let's hear for Allan Reese! (Applause accompanies A. Reese's entrance.) Reese: Hi, Allan! Good luck! A. Reese: What do you call a big stupid jerk? Doug Kubisheski! (The audience boos as the panel cheers.) Mighty: It looks like we've found our winner! (The crowd loses control and rush the stage in anger. A barricade of security men hold them back.) And that's all the time we have for Family Compact today. I would like to thank our distinguished panel...
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© 2007, 2014. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.