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Voice: Life doesn't last forever and you shouldn't have to waste a second of it. That's why we created the ultimate artificial companion, something you can pull out and enjoy at any location. It's called the Multi-Gadge with a million and one ways to distract your attention. Like when the firemen show up to burn down your home... (A middle aged man in a cardigan reads a book in his den when an axe cuts through the wall. A brigade of firemen enter through the hole.) Fireman: This all has to go. Occupant: Well, how long are you going to be? Firemen: Maybe half an hour. Occupant: Half an hour! Good thing I have my Multi-Gadge. I'll just wait outside. Voice: ...or for those long train rides... (Prisoners crowd a freight train.) Prisoner #1: Does anyone know where this train is going? Prisoner #2: (playing with his Multi-Gadge) We'll know when we get there. Why don't you turn on your Multi-Gadge and forget about it? Prisoner #1: I don't have one. Prisoner #2: Well, look, there's someone lying on the floor who doesn't want his any more. Voice: ...or to help get you through those mass executions. (The prisoners focus on their Multi-Gadges as they are ordered to make a row in front of a bloodstained wall.) Prisoner #1: Is that a 50 caliber machine gun they're setting up in front of us? Prisoner #2: We'll know when the bullets are tearing into our flesh. Why don't you turn on your Multi-Gadge and forget about it? Voice: Make it easy for yourself with Multi-Gadge. |
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| © 2007, 2014. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Monday, June 30, 2014
The Multi-Gadge
Sunday, June 29, 2014
Family Feudalism
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Host: Welcome to Family Feudalism. Today a family of farmers joins us from the country. Would you kindly welcome the Farmer family? And from the town, a family of gardeners returns as our repeat champions. Let's have a round of applause for the Gardener family. Behind me are the five most popular answers to a question added to our last royal census. The first family to leave the board with all five answers showing wins the round. If peals the bells play, you're well on your way, but if its tolls number three, it tolls for thee. We shall decide who goes first by a coin toss. (The Farmers win the toss and have the question put to them first.) What is the first thing to do with a newborn infant? Farmer: Throw it in the lake and see if it floats. Farmers: Good answer! (Peal. Number Two reads 'throw in lake'.) Host: Gardeners, what do you say? Gardener: Give it to the church. (Peal. Number four answer reads 'give to church'.) Host: And the Farmers stay in control by hitting the more popular answer. What is the first thing to do with a newborn infant? Farmer: Use it as a football. (Peal. Number three reads 'use as football'.) Farmer: Put its head in a vice? (Peal. Number five.) Host: Just one answer away from a clean sweep. Farmer: Give it to its mother for nursing? (Toll. Strike one.) Farmer: Wrap it in a blanket? (Toll. Strike two.) Farmer: Sing it a lullaby? (Toll. Strike three.) Host: And with that the Gardeners get a chance to steal the round if they can guess the missing answer. Gardener: Bury it in the yard? (Peal. Number one answer. Applause and cheers.) Host: Look at that! The number one answer. Good work. On to the next round. (The Farmers again win the coin toss.) Name a crime for which you may be executed. Farmer: Adultery? (Peal. Third most popular.) Gardener: Heresy? (Peal. Second most popular.) Host: The Gardeners win control. A crime for which you may be executed. Gardener: Treason? (Peal. Number five.) Gardener: Sorcery? (Peal. Number four.) Gardener: Murder? (Toll. Strike one.) Gardener: Indecent Assault? (Toll. Strike two.) Gardener: Crimes against humanity? (Toll. Strike three.) Host: Farmers, if you can guess the most popular answer on the board, you can tie the game. Farmer: Tax evasion? (Peal. Number one answer reads 'tax evasion'.) Host: And we have a tie! Isn't that exciting. (The Gardeners win the coin toss.) Name something that gives you the plague. Gardener: Adultery? (Peal. Fifth most popular.) Farmer: Education. (Peal. Number one answer.) |
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| © 2007, 2014. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Saturday, June 28, 2014
Sign Language
| Host: Welcome (illustrated by outstretched arms) to Sign Language where we often speak with our hands. They kidnapped me and flew me to this remote village, whose name I can't even pronounce, to find out how universal our Western sign language really is. Now this boy can't speak a word of English but I can tell just by looking at him that he wants the first bite of my strudel. I'm going to see if he understands the protruded tongue and enjoy my brunch. (He sticks out his tongue and it makes the boy laugh.) Stupid kid. (He takes a bite and the child lies on his back, exposing the soles of his bare feet.) Oh, he thinks I don't understand foreign rude gestures. Folks, in some parts of the world what this little ragamuffin is doing is as rude as sticking out your tongue! I'll just play dumb as I move in close enough to plant a kick! (The host's tap sends the child's legs thrusting out, catching the host at the knees. The crumbling man's pockets are picked by the boy who then easily flees the scene.) Stop! Thief! | ||||||||||
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| © 2007, 2014. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Henderson Mayfield: Hoot Snatcher
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(An operating room. A patient wakes up screaming in the middle of surgery and a quick thinking nurse must put him back under with gas.) Surgeon: Hmm. Looks like our patient was shortchanged on his anesthesia. Who's the anesthesiologist? Nurse: Mayfield. Surgeon: Mayfield! What are you doing! Mayfield: (Crawling on the floor) Aw, like don't disturb me, all right? Because the gravity over here is really weak and I need to hang on to these tiles... Voice: His gentle bedside manner won their trust. (Another operation. Mayfield prepares an elderly patient for surgery.) Mayfield: There is nothing to fear. Just close your eyes and subtract the fluffy little sheep as they hop over the fence and out of sight. Starting at a hundred. Ready? Patient: I think so. (Mayfield starts to put the patient under with gas. The patient mumbles with his mouth covered.) Mayfield: (Lifting mouthpiece) What's that? Patient: I was doing what you said: 'ninety-nine, ninety-eight, ninety-seven...' Mayfield: You mean you made it to ninety-seven and you can still count? I better check this. (Greedily gulping the gas) Ninety-two, ninety-eight, four hundred and twelve... Voice: His girlfriend was a knockout. (A candlelight dinner at home.) Woman: Now you know my conditions. No funny stuff until we're engaged. Mayfield: (Raising wine glass) To us. (They bump glasses and drink. Immediately the woman loses consciousness and slumps forward.) Now, darling, don't tease me. You know how irresistible I find you in a drug induced coma. (Undressing her) I said, stop it! You're asking for this! Voice: There's no telling just how low a hoot snatcher will go. You'll have to find out for yourself with Henderson Mayfield: Hoot Snatcher tonight. |
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| © 2007, 2014. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Friday, June 27, 2014
Baptism of Fire
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Welcome to Baptism of Fire where we try to show the human side of the war industry. And one way to put a human face on a deadly weapon is to give it a woman's name. The B-29 flown over Hiroshima to drop the atomic bomb was named after her pilot's mother, Enola Gay. Big Bertha, the famous howitzer, took its name from a German artillery officer's childhood nanny. And my guest today from Russia is here to let us know that we are not the only ones who love our guns and bombs. That's right. We, too, assign women's names to our weapons. For instance, the Motherland was saved by our beloved Katyusha rockets. Katyusha was the designer's nine-year-old niece. You named your artillery after a sweet little schoolgirl? Doesn't sound very appropriate. Oh? Have you met my nine-year-old niece Grushenka? Grusha! Come on the stage and meet the man. (Enter Grushenka to applause. She runs up to the host and kicks him hard in the shins, causing him to groan and buckle over in his chair. Exit.) Point taken. And I can see the logic for you calling your latest thermonuclear weapon Svetlana because it is your word for an exploding star, but why on earth would you give a girl that name? Have you met my wife, Svetlana? Svetlana, dear! Come up and say hello to our gracious host. (Enter Svetlana to applause. She heads straight for the host, grabs his shoulders and shakes him violently, then follows through with hard face slaps, back and forth, until she is satisfied with her results. Exit.) |
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| © 2007, 2014. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Thursday, June 26, 2014
Forgive and Forget
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White: Hello fellow Christians, I'm Lewis White and thank you for joining us on Forgive and Forget where we reward compassion with big bucks. My guest today is a political refugee who was accidentally sent back to his homeland. His name is Ali Nadal. Mr Nadal, I'll explain the rules out loud. We have established a satellite link with the prison guard who tortured you as you waited to be repatriated by our government. If you can forgive and forget him, I will give you this crisp cashier's check for a quarter of a million dollars. Are you up to it? Nadal: For that much money I guess it's worth a try. White: All right. But we have to be sure that you are over your hate. So we're going to put the guard on the big screen for a friendly chat with you. Guard: Hey, Nadal, no hard feelings, I hope. I was just doing my job. Nadal: Just doing your job? Why were you laughing so much? Guard: I enjoy my work. White: There now. Why not put it behind you and say hello to a nice big check? Guard: And you kept making that funny squeal when we poked you with the cattle prod. Nadal: You liked that? Guard: It was funny. And remember when I lied and told you there would be no beatings today and you believed me? I was just getting your hopes up! And your eyes lit up and you smiled like an idiot just before they came and put you in the infirmary! I never laughed so hard in my life! (Boisterous laughter.) Nadal: You monster! White: Mr Nadal, I cannot give you this check if you cannot overcome your grudge. |
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| © 2007, 2014. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
The Welcoming Committee
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Down at the frat house, the new arrivals must submit to severe initiation rituals when they meet ... the Welcoming Committee. (Masked, costumed seniors have an exposed newcomer surrounded.) Leader: So, you think you have what it takes to bunk in a dorm, do you? We shall see. Blindfold him and spin him around! Now, let's see if he can climb the stairs! Well, what's the matter? Feeling dizzy? Bring him here. Only two steps? That's the worst performance yet. You'll have to make up for it in your next challenge. We're the kind of men who can handle our punch around here and we don't like teetotalers. Give him the funnel! Put that in your mouth and tilt back your head. (A garden hose is aimed into the funnel and purple fluid squirts out.) Now, guzzle the punch! And if a drop falls on the floor you'll lick it up! (The freshman easily gulps down the punch. After the funnel is taken from him he lets out a long burp.) Well then, a punch drinker may know how to stay cool in a crisis, but can he answer the call of duty and kill for his fraternity? Show him the lobster! (A live lobster is brought in in a small tank.) As a final test of your character and loyalty you must boil this lobster alive! Show no mercy! |
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| © 2007, 2014. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Lucinda's Toy Minstrel Man
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Lucinda had two favorite possessions. The first was her goldfish and the other was her toy minstrel in a box. Whenever Lucinda wanted music, at the push of a button she could make her toy minstrel come to life inside his little box and sing a song for her. She could make him tell jokes, too, if she felt like it. Lucinda loved her tiny musician because he always did what she wanted. One day she met a man who had the same face as her toy minstrel. He was pushing a freight car up a mountain on a railroad track. Why was he doing that? How can he play his guitar when his hands are pushing a freight car? She did not authorize this. Lucinda decided that she hated this impostor. She would go home at once and warn her friend about him... |
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| © 2007, 2014. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Wednesday, June 25, 2014
The Hateful Hypocrite
| I hate Nazis and I think we should round up smokers and send them to forced labor camps, as well as putting our fittest women on parade naked. I love my country, except for her people. I work at a gallery and I hate people who think they're artists when they're not dead yet just because they know how to draw. I hate impatient people. When I see cyclists too impatient to walk I run them off the road in my sedan. But most of all, I hate hateful hypocrites. They waste everyone's time with their self contradicting nonsense. That's why I hate myself. And that's why I'm going to punch my face. (He aims his fist at his face, causing a nosebleed, and fumbles for a tissue.) I hate self inflicted nosebleeds. | ||||||||||
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| © 2007, 2014. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Film School Preppie
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Jan 2016: Did the local snobs figure out who wrote this successful script yet after nine years of supporting the creeps who stole it? Last week (early October 2014) is the second time I've noticed two policemen visiting that film school block I pass by on my way here every day. Hope everything's all right in there. Voice: Derreck Miles came from a well heeled family. He had the money to do whatever he wanted and he wanted to make movies and sell them for millions of dollars. He had all the equipment and crew to shoot his own productions. He didn't worry about the content. (A studio. Miles sports a cardigan around his neck with its sleeves tied in a knot in front as he enjoys a Huey Lewis video. Enter his assistant.) Assistant: So how do you want to arrange the dance scene? Miles: I think we should bury the dancers in sand up to their necks and get them to sing a song. Voice: The stories write themselves on Film School Preppie - only on this channel. |
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| © 2007, 2014. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
A Canadian Artist's Professional Background
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Word Warriors
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Garrison: Welcome to Word Warriors. Today the eminent linguist, Clarence P. Hedges, will face the brilliant poet, Anthony Quagmire in what promises to be a thrilling battle of wits. I am your moderator, Humphrey Garrison III. The discussion will commence with a salvo from Mister Hedges aimed at his opponent. Hedges: You, Mister Quagmire, are the illegitimate offspring of your mother. Quagmire: Is that so? Well, you, Mister Hedges, are the illegitimate offspring of a female dog. (Light applause.) Hedges: You look like a rectum. Quagmire: You are a rectum. Hedges: I see. Well, you practice oral sex on men! Quagmire: You practice oral sex on animals! (More light applause.) Hedges: That does it! You, sir, read Coles Notes! Quagmire: WHAT? YOU MOTHER LOVER! (The debate turns violent as Quagmire gets up and throws a sissy punch at Hedges. The scene erupts into an angry brawl as audience members flood the stage to support their favorites.) |
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| © 2007, 2014. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Get Your Answers Here
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I was meandering around in my head last night and I stumbled on another George Carlin offense. I was thinking about the racist bombing policy adopted by the Pentagon in the last few decades. They hardly ever bomb white people, just Asians and, yes, brown people. Do you good folks really think that genocide is funny? Because I could swear that when Carlin brought this up in his stand-up routine, his audience laughed out loud. I sure as Hell wasn't laughing when I posted the original thought. If you want to laugh about bombing brown people, don't forget to laugh about the Holocaust and the slaughter of the First Nations people. Maybe you could throw in a joke about the former American institution of slavery for good measure. Another memory I have is of Jay Leno interviewing a star who had just got out of jail. Leno asked the star what it's like to be in jail. The star might have said: 'you should know, yourself, Jay, because they threw your ass in jail for stealing those internet posts back in 2007.' But instead the star let Leno get away with looking like he'd never been in jail by answering the question from his own experience. Maybe that's the only reason he got the interview. You can only give yourself brain damage by watching NBC these days. I disagree with almost every outrageous word that comes out of FOX News reporters' mouths but I will say one thing for them: they do not hide their true opinions from the public like those slimeballs at NBC. And everyone knows who owns FOX. It's Rupert Murdoch. He does not hide his identity like the president of NBC. Who is the president of NBC? Does anyone know? I picture him as some thug in a ski mask who just came home from his latest bank robbery. And I'm not saying so for a laugh. |
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| © 2014. Statements by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Tuesday, June 24, 2014
Crazy Crow
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Voice: It's a bird! It's a plane... No, it's a bird! It's Crazy Crow! In today's episode, Crazy Crow comes to the defense of her country. Soldier: Sir, the enemy is approaching in massive numbers of amphibious landing crafts. Officer: All right. Take down the flag and get ready to surrender. Soldier: Wait a minute! It looks like they're under attack. Some kind of flying weapon... it's a crow! Officer: Let me have those binoculars. Hey, you're right. And it looks like she's built her nest on the mast of our destroyer! They're turning around! Hooray for the crazy crow! |
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| © 2007, 2014. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Faraway Places: Upper Class Prison
| The Shangri-la Correctional Facility houses inmates from the most privileged classes of our society. We need to isolate these criminals in a separate prison to stop them from buying all the guards and inmates and to make sure they know they are being punished. Much of the overall structure is the same as that of a middle class prison, but with subtle differences. For instance, new inmates are generally referred to as 'fish'. Here they are called 'quiche'. Instead of confining prisoners to small cells, the Shangri-la golf course only has nine holes. And rather than imposing heavy labor on prisoners, they are forced to pick up after themselves. While these somewhat less than extreme conditions may fall short of those we normally associate with correctional institutions, I assure you that they are unbearable to upper class inmates. In fact, the suicide rate at Shangri-la is higher than any other institution's. For Faraway Places, I'm... | ||||||||||
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| © 2007, 2014. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Kill the Prick! (Perry Millstone)
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Hi everyone! Aren't you a lovely crowd! Good day and welcome to Kill the Prick! where we sort out the decent offenders from the ones who deserve to die. I'm with Perry Millstone who has waived his right to be imprisoned by the state to come on the show and present us with his case. Never mind my name. So how did you get into trouble, Perry? I was arrested for having sex with a prostitute in my car. Well, that's a pretty typical offense. Most of the time you can get away with just losing your job for something like that. By the way, what is your job? I'm a pimp. Oh, then you're not so innocent. Still, it is possible for you to reform your behavior. I really need a break. My daughter is depending on me. She's in the hospital. I'm sorry to hear that. Maybe if you can get a statement from the girl they caught you with- She's in a coma. Why? Oh. I don't know. I guess I roughed her up a bit. I thought she was into it. Then maybe your daughter can speak on your behalf. What? I already said she's in a coma. (Pause) You mean your daughter was the hooker they caught you with? I love her very deeply. What do you say, audience? Should we kill the prick? (The crowd howls 'kill the prick!' as a meter with a raised thumb on one side and a pointed down thumb on the other side shows its support for the offender's execution.) And it's thumbs down for you, Mister Millstone! The people have spoken. Could you get on your knees and turn the other way please? Yes, now lower your head. This won't hurt a bit. (He pulls out a pistol and shoots Millstone in the back of the head. Blood gushes out of his head as the crowd goes wild.) |
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| © 2007, 2014. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Freedom of the Depressed
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I actually feel a little sorry today for the good reporters who have been prevented from sharing the scoop of the century with so many big stars in trouble and going to prison. I know how much they love a good story and I'm sure they'd report it if they could. I have no interest in reporting news but someone must do it. Aside from the need to defend my reputation, there are people out there who deserve to know which, if any, stars they can trust before they spend their hard earned money on concerts and movies. When I criticize the media, I'm not necessarily attacking reporters. It is the overall entity which strikes me as evil, at least in its grievously irresponsible coverage of my music and writing. Reporters are often limited in what they can say by their employers. These employers, in turn, are limited by what money says. The transition from a fraud based economy to a more honest one may require extra time which can only be gained by ignoring certain facts when they first become obvious. Just a theory... |
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| © 2014. Statements by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Monday, June 23, 2014
The Good News
| Hello my brothers and sisters, and thanking you for joining me today on the Good News. People think that if you're a Christian you have to be nice to them even if they mistreat you, but that is not so. In the Acts of the Apostles, instructions were given to the first evangelists on how to deal with a tough crowd. They were told that if they were rejected, they should damn the whole town: women, children, dogs, everyone. And they were told to commit acts of vandalism while the wicked townspeople slept. If it was a really bad town, they were invited to commit arson in the middle of the night. Then after they caused as much destruction as they possibly could, they were told to shake the dust from their sandals as they left. Doesn't sound very nice, does it? Shaking the dust from your shoes! That's cold. I wouldn't want to live in one of those towns that rejected Christians back then. This also sheds light on the large numbers of executions of early Christians by crucifixion and lion feeding. It may have been an attempt by the Romans to maintain law and order. So before you slap a Christian and expect him to turn the other cheek, read the Acts of the Apostles. For the Good News, I'm Luke Johnson. | ||||||||||
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| © 2007, 2014. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
The Free World
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Good day, and welcome to the Free World. I'm Harvey Beachberg. One of the proudest assets of any free country is free speech. For instance, I don't like the way I'm treated at my job. My boss makes me wear an iron collar with a chain attached to it and he beats me with thorny branches when I make a mistake. And he won't hand over my paycheck until I fall on my knees and kiss his feet. But because I live in a free country, I can go out in public and complain about these serious violations of basic human dignity. I cherish my precious freedom. By the way, does anyone know the way to the unemployment office? | ||
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| © 2007, 2014. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. | ||
The War of Scientific Progress
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Gentlemen, our research and development has slowed to a halt. If someone doesn't invent something new soon, our economy will rot. Now the way I see it, we haven't had any truly ground breaking inventions since World War Two. Therefore, I think it's time we started World War Three. It should give our scientists the kick in the ass they seem to need. I've given some thought to what kind of war would boost medical advances and improve air travel, the sectors of our economy that need development. I think that a large assault with airborne troops would cover both nicely. (To be continued.) | ||
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| © 2014. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. | ||
Suspenseful Moments in History
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Dallas, Texas, November 22, 1963: The president has just been shot. He is rushed to the hospital with fatal head wounds. The finest neurologist in the world is summoned to the scene. Will the president survive? The seconds tick on the operating room clock... Atlantic Ocean, April 15, 1912: The pilot of the Titanic spots a large iceberg at the very last minute. His ship has been designed to sustain iceberg damage, but he instinctively swerves to avoid the obstacle. Will the Titanic strike the iceberg? If so, will the great liner live up to its unsinkable reputation? CBS, 1967: On an episode of Star Trek, a landing party of four regular cast members and one extra beam down to a hostile planet. By the end of the scene, one of them will die at the hands of a Klingon. Which one will it be? (You can see how I can keep going with this.) | ||
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| © 2007, 2014. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. | ||
Comical Relief
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Long practices these days. I plan to memorize all those songs I posted as live videos. But when I perform I will probably draw upon songs from both sets, electric and acoustic, for roughly half of the show and use new songs for the remainder. I've built up a nice supply of new tunes and I'm looking forward to posting them on i-tunes. I'll support my first post to that site with a video from YouTube, to help prevent any crimes with my music. I need to really practice hard now. I'll see if I can re-post some of my weaker, less rehearsed renditions as I go along. Speaking of surplus material, I think I can safely return to sharing comedy blogs for now. They're just gathering dust in my note book. Keep an eye on them. Up to now every new comedy blog I posted has ended up on other sites without my permission. You know about the many that ended up on television without my permission. |
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| © 2014. Statements by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
A Word to My Supporters
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With the TV stars who raped my blog being punished by the legal system, I'm quite satisfied. And with my return to my music I'm in a celebratory mood. But some people around me are quite sad about my success and prefer to treat this miraculous comeback of mine as some sort of tragedy. It isn't hard to deduce their identities as supporters of the fraud committed with my work. Anyone who supported and actively celebrated this crime (not the misinformed fans who merely celebrated my music or comedy) would view my comeback as a tragedy. I'm going to play along with them for now, but if I sense that their emphasis on my 'disability' is undermining my image as a potentially great performer, I will leave the province. My disability classification rests entirely on my status as a resident of British Columbia. As soon as I leave I will no longer qualify for disability benefits and will have to try to earn my money. It may slow me down, but I will take this step to protect my future as a musician if necessary. If this is some attempt to make me look weak, it is really stupid. If I were psychologically weak, there is no way I would have survived the onslaught of so many crimes against me by so many popular entertainers around the world. To give you some idea of how much pressure I have endured, imagine if someone broke into your house and raped your daughter in front of you. Then the next day everyone hated your guts because they were told that you were the rapist. For the next ten years everyone took sides with the rapist against you and told you every day that the rapist was their hero. And so forth and so on. Wouldn't the initial crime be enough to handle without having your nose constantly rubbed in it from a flimsy false accusation? And yet I survived this horror for ten years. I stood alone against an army of stars and their devoted followers and, by all credible accounts, I crushed them. And I don't even have possession of my evidence yet. So I am not weak, to say the least. If any of the offenders I named in this account are still working in front of TV cameras, I think they should be held responsible for all future infringements of my copyrights and should be punished along with the new offenders. By staying in the public eye after I exposed their crime, they make me look like a liar and encourage further thefts and crimes with my work. Every time I hear about a new violation I am going to check the TV to see who deserves the blame for it and bring it to public attention. That's all I can think of for now. If you're eager to see me succeed, please be patient. There are still obstacles. |
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| © 2014. Statements by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
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