Ancient American History

I first wrote this because it really bugs me when historians on TV compare ancient figures with TV stars and U.S. politicians. It insults my intelligence by trying to make all of world history fit into the last twenty years of American news stories. But Jon Stewart's fraud with posts like this bugs me even more. Welcome to Ancient American History, and today we'll be looking at the Ancient Civil Wars that took place between Athens and Sparta in the fifth century B.C. Athens was a democracy and Sparta was a military oligarchy. I guess you could say we have the best of both worlds today. The Spartans needed to be extra tough to dominate their unpaid farmers, the helots, who outnumbered them ten to one. Then against the Persians the Spartans held out so impressively that their stand was called 'the first Alamo'. In the period that followed, the Delian League rebelled against Athens, causing Athens to use its fleet much in the same way that Abraham Lincoln used his Yankee navy against the South. Civil war was inevitable. The First Ancient Civil War ended in a draw. It was mostly a warmup. Then, right at the start of The Second Ancient Civil War Athens got the plague and it wiped out a third of their population. Put that in U.S. terms: ninety million deaths! In a city of less than three hundred thousand! Horrible! But then the Spartans came down with it and it helped Athens win. Finally, in The Third Ancient Civil War, the Spartans prevailed, decisively smashing Athenian democracy with good old fashioned oligarchy and military seriousness and successfully defending their right to employ helot farmers. It is said that Thomas Jefferson modeled the fledgling American republic, which also depended on an unpaid agricultural work force, after Spartan values. It all makes sense when you think about it. We're Spartans. Who did they fight against? Persians. And themselves. We're probably only a few steps away from achieving the ideal military state. Of course, the women will have to start breeding more responsibly...
Comedy Sketches Cartoons Arguments Copyright Issues Lyrics Poems
More Scripts Statements Songs
© 2007, 2014. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.