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Zvoni Rasputnik is arguably the grandfather of all modern cult leaders. Born and raised on a sheep farm in Eastern Plutonia, he discovered his miraculous healing powers early when he was able to restore fitness to a wounded wolf just by scratching the animal behind the ears. By the time he came of age, he'd learned enough from the sheep to give him extra confidence with the ladies. He was so sure of himself that he would flash women as they dined in restaurants. The women were so spellbound by his intense stare that they didn't notice his pecker sticking out of his pants. His healing gift was made famous by the emperor's wife, whose son suffered from terminal clumsiness. When the boy fell off his pony, fell down the stairs, and fell out of his window, on each occasion Rasputnik healed him, achieving a cult status in high society. But when the child complained of injuries caused by a failed swan dive, Rasputnik accused his patient of faking. This offense against the royal family sealed the healer's doom. To over come Rasputnik's recuperative powers, it was decided to poison him with sulfuric acid. But drinking the acid only gave him hallucinations. Finally he was shot. Sixteen times. An anchor was tied around him and he was rowed to the middle of a lake. Just when the oarsmen were about to dump him overboard, he sprang to life again, and had to be shot twelve more times. As the boat turned back without him, his head could be seen sticking up from the water, along with his raised fist. He chased them for a while, but eventually disappeared under the waves. In spite of his similarities with the Russian Gregori Rasputin, that's someone else. Nor should his name be confused for the first satellite, which was actually named after a pet hamster.
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