Bunch of Brawlers

Voice: Tonight the High Brow Oligarchy presents the moving account of Rowdy Company's march through Northern Europe. They were often low on tobacco and ready to fight at the drop of a hat. (A soldier's saloon.) Soldier #1: Excuse me, I think you dropped this. (He hands over a cap.) Soldier #2: Do you think that's funny? (A brawl erupts.) Voice: Witness the wrath of the liberated people. Soldier: Why are they shaving her head? Civilian: Because she slept with the Germans. Soldier: What do they get if they drank with the Germans? Civilian: A pedicure with no nail file. Voice: Fierce in combat, all it took to make them fight was an insult. (A battle. The men encircle a German unit.) Officer: What's he shouting? Soldier: He's making fun of our helmets! Officer: Oh yeah? Well then let's wipe that smirk off his face! Charge! Voice: The concentration camps proved they were on the side of good. (A liberated camp.) Officer: Why are you here? Prisoner: I was refused admission to the U.S. and Canada. Voice: Get to know Lou and Marty and Stu and Dodgy as they blow apart, one by one, in front of your eyes. Maybe they should have listened to Rodney, who was psychic. (The men occupy a table in a soldier's saloon.) Lou: I can't believe I have to go on patrol again tonight. We lost four guys last time. Rodney: Such a waste. Lou: How do you figure that? Rodney: The bomb we're going to have is so powerful it can end the war all by itself without any of us having to go on patrol. Lou: Are you saying Freddy died for nuh'in? I'll kill you! (A brawl erupts.) Voice: Don't miss Bunch of Brawlers only on the High Brow Oligarchy.
Comedy Sketches Cartoons Arguments Copyright Issues Lyrics Poems
More Scripts Statements Songs
© 2014. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

Figments

Refuse to realize what lies ahead You choose to idealize instead Think what can be revealed In an abundant field Hanging between the daffodils Hardly a gap to fill The truth does not seem to trouble you What ruse did they use to so befuddle you? Heavy the curtains loom Forecast of certain doom Echoing as a pantomime Vainly to pass the time Under a spreading shroud Chasing the silver cloud Figments will not be hard to find When to false hopes resigned Secure in your air of innocence And arguing doesn't make a bit of sense Novelty on your side No stunt you haven't tried Spiraling down a winding hill Yesterday standing still Under a raging sky Holding your head up high Figments will let you stay inside When to go they decide
Lyrics Poems Comedy Sketches Cartoons Arguments Copyright Issues
More Songs Scripts Statements
© 2014. Words and music by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

Thinking Ahead

Please display my text of my video descriptions with my videos. When I think of how the business has done nothing but steal from me and interfere with me for the last seven to ten years as I advance into my fifties, I am comforted by thoughts of the afterlife. Have any of you ever read that book by the famous cardiologist who recorded the near death experiences of his patients? Dying businessmen frequently screamed in terror as they glimpsed their destination. Stalin, too, is rumored to have pointed to an invisible demon who taunted him on his death bed. I do not fear death but look forward to it. The dying part won't be much fun, but after that it will be party time.
Arguments Copyright Issues Comedy Sketches Cartoons Lyrics Poems
More Statements Scripts Songs
© 2014. Statements by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

Wanted for Murder

Remember when I said that my battle with aggressive crows was started by them? I could be wrong about that. When I was a boy, I saved my paper route money and bought a pellet gun. I would practice on floating targets by the river. My friend and I would go hunting birds with it. One time we killed a crow. Since that day I have been wanted for murder. My back yard buddies today told me about a UBC study which found that crows have facial recognition, which they can pass on to future generations. When I worked at the recycling plant, the crows would be waiting for me every Sunday when the street was the most desolate. They would stalk me from their lofty posts, following me every step of the way from First to Sixtieth Avenue. They can sense my fear and absolutely terrify me. One time a gang of them all converged on one and tore the victim to pieces right in front of me. Have you ever seen anything like that? And every summer I get swooped down on regularly. I guess I deserve it, but I hope I can make it up to them somehow.
Arguments Copyright Issues Comedy Sketches Cartoons Lyrics Poems
More Statements Scripts Songs
© 2014. Statements by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

Addictive Reasoning

I don't use narcotics and I'm glad I don't. Last night I was trying to figure out how so many strangers could get so much pleasure from bringing me and my loved ones so much pain. They didn't just hurt me but my elderly parents who never hurt anyone. I decided that a lot of these performers and their helpers must be under the evil influence of crack and crystal meth. While these drugs affect every person differently, with varying degrees of behavioral impact, I've noticed a profound loss of moral judgement to be common among crack and meth users, which indicates the deterioration or even paralysis of their left frontal lobes and temporal lobes. In this condition, they numbly pursue a path of destruction, with hapless bystanders like myself falling in their wake. It isn't rational to commit brazen acts of fraud in front of the whole world. And no matter how much one might lie to oneself, no one could ultimately be pleased with popularity that was gained from stealing another person's work. It takes hard drugs to make a person think they could get away with such a crime and it takes hard drugs to make a person feel good about committing it.
Arguments Copyright Issues Comedy Sketches Cartoons Lyrics Poems
More Statements Scripts Songs
© 2014. Statements by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

Read My Name

You all know my name, right? It's the same name you'll find on the copyright notice located under the video of my face for my latest song, Contented. I've been steadily posting my name under everything I've shared now for the last two years and I'm disappointed at how people can mistake me for Jeff Hisko as the result of the most effortless online shenanigans imaginable. We all know who is responsible for this latest assault on my identity. It is absolutely the same people who had you worshiping Dean as Jesus with my music. Yesterday when noticed a black truck parked in front of my building that looked the same as the red truck I complained about a few weeks ago and its two occupants burst out laughing as soon as I walked by them, I knew that some new idiotic scheme against me was underway. Then when I went to the library and another creep burst out laughing at the sight of me, I knew that I was again being stalked. This is why I have to leave Vancouver. As long as I stay here, I only encourage more of these offenses against me. And since these production workers often operate the sound mixer for onstage performers, any gigs I might attempt to perform here are at risk of sabotage. They think they're laughing at me but I'm leaving. And when people who wanted me to stay here realize that I won't be returning, except perhaps if I'm rich and famous, to play a benefit concert for the local, hard working police force, they'll realize that these jokesters were laughing at them, too. And I suppose these criminals laugh their hardest at the police who obviously lack the legal leverage to effectively control this crime by, say, locking offenders in a cell for five years with no parole. I haven't been able to enjoy as long as five minutes of success with any of my two hundred or so video posts in the last seven years. When you look at the shambles that have already made of so many hundreds of my songs and laughs, it really is disgraceful that the creeps who committed these offenses still have the opportunity to destroy my new work.
Arguments Copyright Issues Comedy Sketches Cartoons Lyrics Poems
More Statements Scripts Songs
© 2014. Statements by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

This Should Be Illegal

Last night I heard about how one of the networks called the singer of the Crystalids my 'spirit'. This shows their eagerness to separate my spirit from my body, but I intend to post continuing evidence that my body and spirit are still as one. And that's some choice for my spirit, there! Funny, I've never stolen anything or committed any fraud for as long as I've been on the Earth. Am I putting my spirit up online for any asshole to seize by merely copying and pasting my music or my humor? I didn't realize that my immortal soul was at such serious risk until now. The TV jerks who said this should know that their viewers were offended. Not only did this brainless, manipulative comment insult the intelligence of millions, but it debased the whole institution of Christianity.
Arguments Copyright Issues Comedy Sketches Cartoons Lyrics Poems
More Statements Scripts Songs
© 2014. Statements by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

FOX's The Simpsons Stole My Halloween Script

Do any of my readers recall that blog of mine from 2007 where I tried my hand at writing a Simpsons episode? I said that their Halloween episodes were the best and I wrote a full length script which infused the Peanuts characters from my childhood with the Simpsons. It featured a 'grand pumpkin', a specially written prayer for Milhouse, Marge on the flugelhorn, and in the end, a giant pumpkin-killing turkey. Looks like they stole every word of the thing. God, did that show ever rip me off. And did you all get a kick out of Flanders singing Kindly Deeds Done for Free? Just one more of dozens of violations of my copyright I'm noticing from this 2009 box set. When I said that FOX News was honest, I meant that they were honest in their presentation of their opinion. But their information is not necessarily accurate. In fact, the only 'facts' they ever report are those which support their nutty opinions. Much of these facts do not stand up to close examination and they have many times been accused of outright lying. I'm not sure how much of a role they played in the fraud with my music and writing but I do recall Bill O'Reily praising Taylor Swift in late 2007. If he supported that song stealing fiend, his network probably lied about me to clear the way for her rise to public adoration. And the kind of lies they tell about innocent people like me on that 'news' network are really damaging. They had people thinking I was dirty and left me to suffer dirty looks on the bus for the next seven years. I'm sure I'm not the only one utterly disgusted by all this hideous crime. Wrong is wrong is wrong. It doesn't matter who the victim is.
Arguments Copyright Issues Comedy Sketches Cartoons Lyrics Poems
More Statements Scripts Songs
© 2014. Statements by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

Still No Answer

So what was the media up to when every channel on TV broadcast their news in verse back in late 2007 after I shared all those verses on Blogger? Were they trying to terrorize me? These must be the same people who now resist my progress with my work. Funny how they liked my work so much when their stars had it and now they seem to want us to like something else. When I hear them pushing another artist's work, I must ask myself why they couldn't do that to start with. It would have saved me a lot of trouble. Doing it now, however, can only be meant to discourage me. And by dismissing a crime victim, they promote a rather cold and heartless attitude about all the fraud with his music and comedy and encourage more violations of his work and name. I'm sure someone at the Pentagon is mixed up in this. As I said before, the Pentagon has a lot of control over the material that gets broadcast in the U.S. But the Pentagon could use my work to dehumanize people, with the goal of creating heartless combatants for their war aims. My work has so much heart and feeling, so much humanity, that it would win the trust of the public and leave their minds open to evil behavioral programming.
Arguments Copyright Issues Comedy Sketches Cartoons Lyrics Poems
More Statements Scripts Songs
© 2014. Statements by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

Life Shavers

(A crowd celebrates an election win.) Bystander 1: It looks like the senator's been re-elected. (Her companion takes out a roll of candies and pops one into his mouth.) What's that? A lifesaver? Bystander 2: These aren't lifesavers, they're life shavers. Bystander 1: Life shavers? Bystander 2: Yes, the perfect solution for smokers who still want a shortened life expectancy but without the nagging symptoms of fatal lung and heart diseases. Bystander 1: But how? Bystander 2: Each life shaver is coated with a drop of potassium cyanide too small to kill on its own. The poison builds up in the body over decades until it reaches a level which can cause instantaneous and painless death. So now, instead of lighting a cigarette to protest everything that offends me in this world, I just pop a life shaver. Bystander 1: Can I have one? Bystander 2: I'm afraid not. They're addictive. Announcer: Life Shavers: good to your last breath.
Comedy Sketches Cartoons Arguments Copyright Issues Lyrics Poems
More Scripts Statements Songs
© 2007, 2014. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

Ahead of their Time: Fredrick Narwal (1809-1882)

Fredrick Madison Narwal was born in 1809 to a middle class family in Bristol. As a boy he loved camping. His father wanted him to take up the family practice of veterinary medicine but Fredrick was too squeamish, feinting from the mere sight of cow giving birth. Unfit for the natural sciences, he was placed in a theology program where he distinguished himself by proving half of the Sermon on the Mount to be forged. There he met his Christian wife, by whom he had no children. Upon graduating, the Church sent him on a mission to convert savages in the South Pacific. Narwal took advantage of the assignment to return to his boyhood passions of fishing and hunting. It was when he noticed that it was taking him longer and longer to catch a fish that he stumbled on his brilliant principle of natural rejection. A species that is rejected by predators is the most fit to survive. He published this finding in 1859 under the title The Eradication of the Species. Although the Christians of his time were offended by the work, which presented humanity as a greater mass killer than God, today much of our modern and enlightened societal standards rest on its principles. Fredrick Narwal died in 1882 after tripping on his long white beard and falling in the path of an oncoming stage coach. He is not to be confused with Charles Darwin, who lived in roughly the same period.
Comedy Sketches Cartoons Arguments Copyright Issues Lyrics Poems
More Scripts Statements Songs
© 2007, 2014. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

Money Sense

It's time for Money Sense, the show that helps you make the most of your money. We hear people complaining all the time about how they don't have enough money, which tells us that they have the wrong attitude. There's no reason why they shouldn't have saved a portion of the money that has passed through their hands. I blame this on Christianity. If it weren't for Jesus telling everyone to store their treasures in Heaven, maybe they'd do it on Earth. The faith people put in this 'Lord' is misplaced. They should worship money and maybe they would get ahead. It doesn't cost much to worship money. You can start with a crispy new hundred dollar bill from the bank. Instead of spending it, you could make a little shrine for it on your nightstand. Burnt offerings will improve your fortune. All crucifixes should be removed from your home and supplanted by bronze statuettes of the pagan god Mercury, the Roman god of profit. With such small lifestyle changes being all that are required to enjoy financial success, there are no excuses for any cries of financial injustice from the populace. For Money Sense I'm Bill Foldwell.
Comedy Sketches Cartoons Arguments Copyright Issues Lyrics Poems
More Scripts Statements Songs
© 2007, 2014. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

Tele-Vigil

Good evening and welcome to Tele-Vigil, where we keep an eye on the TV. Every day millions of television junkies struggle helplessly against their addiction. We have reviewed every TV channel over the last twenty-four hours to help think of solutions. Since each addict's dependence is peculiar to their favorite content, the cycle may be broken by a radical change in their viewing schedule. Cartoon watchers must watch National Geographic documentaries, sports fans must watch Senate debates, and music video lovers must watch golf tournaments. This will restore activity to the areas of the brain currently deadened by sensory deprivation. After two months, viewers should recover enough to be able to return to their favorite programs. As for the accusation that too much television viewing can lead to criminal behavior, my probation officer thinks that's ridiculous. For Tele-Vigil I'm Paul Falstaff.
Comedy Sketches Cartoons Arguments Copyright Issues Lyrics Poems
More Scripts Statements Songs
© 2007, 2014. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

Contented

How can I make you believe That I hope you never leave me? Now that you've transformed my world Brought me so much cheer, need you to stay near Content in my trance A victim of circumstance I can't take a chance I don't want to miss out on this joyride Pleasantly you occupy Beckoning to fertile gardens Lost and without a hope was I Until I met you, came to my rescue The look in your eyes Reminds me that I'm alive It pierces the mist Impossible to resist Holding promises of bliss Onward into sights unknown By the hand of fate we'll be thrown And united hold our own In devastation find our salvation Awash in the shore With more fun to look toward Spirit restored Clear of the passing storm Fortunes certain to improve When I said I was contented I meant it Since we have been together Never felt better
Lyrics Poems Comedy Sketches Cartoons Arguments Copyright Issues
More Songs Scripts Statements
© 2014. Words and music by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

The Mind Ray

The finest technology in the wrong hands Would bury all life in the dry desert sands And how did my rhymes that the networks despise Get stolen and broadcast in front of your eyes? I remind you again for the hundredth time Why do you each day forget this foul crime? Is your brain irresponsibly being programmed? The path to its memory seems to be jammed They proved that they're ruthless in selling a lie They won't admit fault and would sooner you die Eagerly they test the reach of their power Drawing you under their transmitter tower So much for scientific advance Greedy humanity hasn't a chance Do not forget to forget you're controlled Like a good little robot that blinks what its told
Lyrics Poems Comedy Sketches Cartoons Arguments Copyright Issues
More Songs Scripts Statements
© 2007, 2014. Poetry by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

Who Invited Them?

Does anyone remember when Dennis Miler went on a stage in 2004 and opened his show with a joke about how he sometimes wished he 'had a grenade' to use on passive crowds? He got that from reading my short story Neutronia (2004). And maybe Bush wouldn't have got re-elected in 2004 without the words he stole from my essays. I have been afflicted by the attention of such people for ten years now. I don't watch FOX News. I don't read Ann Coulter. I can't stand Dennis Miller's humor. But they come to my account and soak up every word I share. Talk about a one-sided relationship. And now they don't even have the decency to admit this obsession when the evidence was plastered all over their networks for seven years. Jesus, this internet is a hazard. If I would have known it might cost me my life to share my songs and laughs here, I would have stayed away. But I was practically pushed onto the web by my 'good' government with their training program in web design. Thanks a lot, there. How great that we have this tool to steal from artists and kill them. And it's also great for helping countless untalented jerks look talented - at my expense. What progress.
Arguments Copyright Issues Comedy Sketches Cartoons Lyrics Poems
More Statements Scripts Songs
© 2014. Statements by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

Love Is for Losers

Love is for losers to spend without gain So the dead can pass themselves off as alive So fools can pretend to be wise So the ugly may appear beautiful I gave my all for less than nothing I measure the return in table scraps and insect bites Love is a wall to set the poet apart They invaded my heart, seeking reassurance of their superiority And unsuccessful, destroyed my good works Love goes to waste in a world of machines Its uses reduced to fuel for mockery
Lyrics Poems Comedy Sketches Cartoons Arguments Copyright Issues
More Songs Scripts Statements
© 2007, 2014. Poetry by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

A Brief Definition of a Weakling

Seventy-two hours since I last inhaled nicotine, I'm over my craving for the substance. It's nice to see the yellow mark on my index finger fading. My lungs still have to heal and I expect to be coughing my brains out for the next few months. I know that my character has been under attack over my tobacco smoking, at the hands of hypocrites who apparently think it's better to smoke crack. They looked at my smoking of cigarette butts as some kind of cringing, slavish impulse. It was not. It was an act of my will. I was determined to smoke tobacco without money. As long as they want to point to me as some kind of weakling, let me share what I consider to be the most definitive characteristics of a weakling: A weakling can't survive on a low income and will blow the Devil for a paycheck. A weakling can't admit when he's at fault because he can't handle the shame. A weakling needs someone else to do his job for him. A weakling can't fight battles one-on-one and will only attack when he has his foe greatly outnumbered, ultimately to lose the battle. A weakling fears confrontation and only attacks from behind. These traits describe my enemies in the industry rather well, don't you agree? As for me, I just have eighteen days to go before I have money again. Just another month spent broke and starving in front of the whole world, like I've been living for the most of the last ten years.
Arguments Copyright Issues Comedy Sketches Cartoons Lyrics Poems
More Statements Scripts Songs
© 2014. Statements by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

The Mortal Interval

It takes me too long to pass on It irks my tired brain My conclusion is foregone Until then pointless pain The fiends grow rich from doing wrong But fleeting is their gain My treasures elsewhere must belong Let folly here remain To leave this world is my true wish To end this loveless drought I feel just like a gutted fish From all my heart put out They misdirect the love I'm due And leave me here to pout They never had the slightest clue What I first sang about Like passing years becomes this hour How might death gather speed? Plunge from high atop the tower? Taste the bitter weed? It's too late for a hero's end From lifelong wounds I bleed I want to see my long lost friend I want my spirit freed
Lyrics Poems Comedy Sketches Cartoons Arguments Copyright Issues
More Songs Scripts Statements
© 2007, 2014. Poetry by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

Madonna Went to Prison

Jan 2016: I'll take no reply since I first shared this as an implication of Madonna's and the broadcasting industry's guilt. Has the media told anyone that Madonna went to prison yet? What do they consider to be a bigger story?
Arguments Copyright Issues Comedy Sketches Cartoons Lyrics Poems
More Statements Scripts Songs
© 2014. Statements by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

Staying the Course

If you were wondering why I didn't make it big as Dateline promised in 2012, maybe you didn't know that there were a few more violators of my copyright holding me back than merely the Crystalids. These violators include Taylor Swift, The Rolling Stones, Oasis, the band that stole my song 'Virtue', Coldplay, George Carlin, Jay Leno, Ellen Degeneres, Jimmy Kimmel, Conan O'Brien, Saturday Night Live, The Simpsons, Family Guy, Jon Stewart, Dateline NBC, probably FOX News, CBC's David Frum, George W. Bush, Jonathan Torrens, Clint Eastwood, Gene Hackman, Madonna, and Leonard Cohen. With this many high profile offenders, I'm sure there are many others I'm leaving out. This massive conspiracy against me by stars, broadcasters, and advertising professionals was clearly expected to wipe me out. After all, they thought, how could a solitary person like myself defend himself against so many enemies? It certainly hasn't been easy. By the time I get around to exposing the latest offender, many people have forgotten the first one. But it has been possible, over the years, to bump these fiends off the TV, one at a time, with my persistent cry for justice in this account. Some people think that with so many against me I am doomed to fail, regardless of my innocence and my talent. I disagree. You see, I have the police on my side. Maybe they don't have millions of dollars or huge transmitters broadcasting from coast to coast, but they can arrest and incarcerate criminals. I think that gives my side a decisive edge and my success will simply demand that I stay active online for as long as it takes. It is because I am active online that copyright violators are so quickly caught now. Not only are my readers and I paying close attention to my posts, but I am able to go over my work and add to it in ways that call out others who falsely claim possession of it. When the Crystalids stole Chair, they thought they had a finished song. If you listen to my version, you'll notice that half the lyrics were missing from the one you might have heard on the radio with Dean singing. All My Money was also missing half its lyrics when it was broadcast on the radio as fraud, and its rhythm was simplified so that the band could play it. And did Saturday Night Live use the Celebrity Roundup sketch I first wrote about their own incarcerations in 2007? Did their sketch extend to the branding scene? If I didn't share it yet, there's no way they could have thought of it themselves. As the author of my work, I can see ways to improve or lengthen it that no one else can see. Besides that, anyone who is too lazy to write their own work is bound to be too lazy to edit it or add to it. In the rush to their premature ejaculation, they steal my new work as soon as I share it. But how do they know it is a finished work? As long as I'm active on the web, they will find out the hard way. In my neighborhood I am now suspected of being a cop. This is funny. I've gone from being called a sex offender to being called a cop. Oh well, at least a cop is decent.
Arguments Copyright Issues Comedy Sketches Cartoons Lyrics Poems
More Statements Scripts Songs
© 2014. Statements by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

Starving for Truth

I recall reading in Orwell's Down and Out in Paris and London a description of one of the author's bunk mates at a men's shelter. Orwell was shocked that a thirty-eight-year-old man still had his original hair color and attributed it to a life of 'shirking responsibility'. Actually, a low food intake has been proven to slow down the aging process. Apparently it releases some sort of miracle hormone. My prayers for daily bread were answered generously today, after forty-eight hours without a bite to eat. I often go long periods without eating. I do not do this deliberately, but like most people around my neighborhood, I have trouble stretching out my check through the whole month. Unlike them, however, I suffer terrible stress from eating in drop-in centers, as a result of my high profile on the internet. Starvation really makes you feel alive. You can feel every organ in your body crying out for food. Nero confined one of his relatives to a starvation cell where the prisoner is recorded to have ripped open his mattress and eaten the stuffing. Starvation can drive you mad. It is brutal. That's why I am of the opinion that food, at least basic food, should not cost money. The media darling, George Carlin, on the other hand, as he took food from my mouth by leaving me unpaid for all his stolen laughs, only echoed this sentiment of mine because he knew it fit well with his stand-up routine.
Arguments Copyright Issues Comedy Sketches Cartoons Lyrics Poems
More Statements Scripts Songs
© 2014. Statements by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.